This one is a little bit about the ‘unseeing parent’.

We all know that abuse hides, distorts the reality of who we are. We get told we are less than we are… What we are repeatedly told by an abusive parent / caregiver is not who we genuinely are! … The reality of our childhood distorts our sense of self for us. It makes us think less of ourselves than we are had we had a genuinely caring caregiver. . .

Alongside a hurtful parent, the other parent is kinder and supportive, yet typically he or she is referred to as the ‘non-seeing parent’ – as regards what is happening to us… Unable to stand up to their abusive partner fully and protect us… probably due to their own inner unresolved childhood issues…

But they typically want to help us by offering some strategy of obscuring the reality of our painful situations… The strategy of managing it away from our and their awareness – for both, what they have in themselves and what they ‘don’t see’ in their children’s experiences… They provide a strategy of ignoring, avoiding, covering up… not looking at, not seeing… They teach us what they best know, how they themselves perhaps have learned to do it, maybe how their own kind parent taught them to. For the child (us and them, alike) learns that strategy, which typically has some beneficial effect, when initially applied – to mask the pain underneath it… 

False structures

Deep down, while grateful for this help from their ‘unseeing parent’, the child is actually semi-consciously, even unconsciously, but still ‘aware’ that this is a strategy and not proper addressing of the wound – of dealing properly with the truth of their experience… Which is painful in itself – why is this kinder parent not giving us proper help and healing… – a painful question arising in the mind of a child dependent on good parental care…, at different levels and the nearness of their consciousness… This pain may create lots of anger and rage, which then in turn needs an outlet elsewhere – so thus sometimes people rage at politicians… world order and some far away things to keep it away, away from the pain here and now – the truth of our actual experiences… 

Layers of self and confusion

In counselling when our old structures are a little more fully, layer by layer, understood to be false and thus seen for a moment that they might’ve been a burden to our being our true self – we are usually first met with numbness about this, followed by fear and rage at having such unhelpful items stored all alongside in ourselves…. With much of self oppressed, in some cases, or in some respect our sense of self may appear barely available to us. 

From here on, as we address the self-obscuring structures, we find ourselves in a position of not yet having our true self, while we are letting go of the false structures that were there in its place. We typically experience a sense of huge confusion. Of not knowing who we are and what we are about at all… Truly daunting, and yet, paradoxically, it represents a fertile ground of our rebuilding of ourselves, for without this phase it would not be possible to do it, at all… 

The making of us 

If there is no healthy self, while old structures are removed, for a moment we are in a space of having neither – not the old and unhelpful for we had to let it go, and no new because that is yet to be built. The confusion of not knowing who we are, what we are truly about… In some instances or moments, this may even feel as if being with one foot across the sanity line – but we can recall now that all the healing work done previously is strengthening us – in the background of this experience. This will help us withstand those moments that we find the most challenging for a moment or two. For once we realise this and are willing to witness what we are experiencing, just for one full proper moment – gives us a breakthrough. I.e. we are already through it. Our healing takes a long time, it may even be a never ending process of learning and re-learning. Of evolving – the true purpose of our existence…, for I believe we all have the opportunity to do some of this. In some ways we are always learning… Yet each breakthrough is the building of our truer and truer, healthier and more stable self. Of peace and contentment in ourselves, which then positively affects the group we are a part of… It’s the way of nature. Our power is in choosing to reach our healthy self underneath the trauma and then nourishing it to grow fully,… in our willingness to stick through…