Have you noticed how sometimes the ‘abusers’ actually like for us to criticise them – for the ‘fresh’ thing that they have done in a long unending chain of doing the same. For example a cheating husband, a compulsive cheater perhaps, ‘likes’ to be told off by his wife, when she finds out. Why do they want to be told off? They know they will offend again, yet they like to be told off… They want to be told off…, as the next step… on their offending journey – lol – yet unfortunately also true. 

It as if being told off gives them closure about what they just have done once again – as if it puts things back in balance for them. It also gives them a ‘strange’ validation of their actions and thus also of themselves that generated such action(s), making others suffer, them a little ashamed, but then it all goes away having been told off…?

Thus being told off, being criticised is just the relational phase of their repetitive cycle of taking advantage, doing something upsetting and hurtful to their spouse, child, friend, colleague, employee… 

When we criticise them, thus we are just enabling them to do it again. We take away the guilt that they may feel and don’t know what to do about it – where us criticising them takes it away…!? So they are free to commit another thing where all of this will be repeated over and over. 

For us, being on the receiving end in this cycle, we also may feel better for telling them off – it eases some of our inner upset…, and we may feel we need this, too, at least to make ourselves feel a bit better – and yet – with that it is as if we sign our agreement for them to continue as they have always been doing. Without realising that we are doing the repetitive thing just as they do – to help it repeat over and over again…

So how to break this cycle? 

Perhaps by becoming aware of how this cycle has been happening – and if we discover that a pattern like the above description is true and has been keeping us stuck in an unending pain and suffering, then maybe there is another way to respond… We can refuse to criticise them, and instead simply speak how we feel. We speak about us and our feelings and not about them or what they did. This may of course be very hard for us to do, while they do what they can to prevent us as well – because it doesn’t suit them – they want their cycle to go on. So to start with maybe to write it down, as well as seek other’s help, where the pattern can be changed.

Once we become aware we can ‘refuse’ to play our repetitive bit – but that may also come with some difficulties for us, because we are all creatures of habit, and some emotional patterns that made us play along perhaps for so long as well. And here we have our work cut out. 

By changing how we correspond to the offence – we can start changing what was happening for ourselves. Take our power back one little bit at a time. Becoming aware is strengthening. 

I genuinely look forward to any thoughts.